Ever Looming Pessimism

The side effect of writing about things as I am influenced by other articles, videos, movies, music, etc is that I feel like I am milking the noteworthiness of the better known subject to pump my work. I know consciously that I am not doing this. Commenting on creative works is part of culture. So many things are built as a response, for better or worse, to something that came before it.

Take my piece on Dunkirk for example. My goal was to try to convey some of the emotion I felt after seeing the film to grab people’s attention about how horrific war is and how we forget this fact most of the time. We have the luxury, some of us, of being so far removed from violence that we easily lose sight of what happens in violent conflicts.

But after I posted the article and shared it in social media, I had this odd feeling. Like I was doing something dirty. I know that this was not my intent and my effort was done to earnestly share and evoke emotion, but the dirty feeling was there.

Maybe it’s a byproduct of my self-doubt. All writers, or creators of any kind really, seem to have this overbearing ghoul that likes to perch behind us and shit all over our achievements. No matter how good our creation actually is, the ghoul thinks it’s shit.

So maybe that dirty feeling is the ghoul giving one last grab at my expression. It didn’t stop me from writing and posting so it’ll make me feel like the work isn’t worthy after the fact. That it really wasn’t genuine or sincere. That I was just riding the coattails of others’ success.



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